she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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