Dude my mom stole all your condoms
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
