WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
