Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
