just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Even my vagina gasped.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
