Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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