It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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