Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
