I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
