never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Randomize
