i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
