my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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