I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
