me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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