May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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