I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
