Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
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shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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