I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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