Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
