Sry I called you an 8
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
