I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
