The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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