I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
