I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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