**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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