We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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