I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
