dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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