I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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