I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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