So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
