Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
