I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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