Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
