I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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