Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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