the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
