HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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