mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
