i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
