Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
