Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We left the knife in your bed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
