thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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