just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
