now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
