Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
