hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
