we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
