No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
