I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
