you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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