I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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