I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
