Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
