shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
