we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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