theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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