T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
