Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
