if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
