i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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