i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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